Can You See Me?

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Oh God I hope not...but since you're here I guess I'll have to deal.

Seriously though, why does it feel like this knowing people are perceiving me and my work? Even if it's good attention it's too much attention. Don't look at me. Don't read my work. Don't acknowledge that we both exist.

I got my first book review recently. It took a long time to actually read it, despite being a five star review from a writer I'm friends with. Despite knowing he isn't going to yank my chain in the review and that he himself is a good author. 

Even as I was squealing over the rave review, I was slightly nauseous. 

What are artists who don't want to be known supposed to do? I haven't figured it out yet. Because most artists want people to experience and connect with what they create, but people knowing it came from you is a completely different experience. This affects me strongly and I'm not even shy!

There's something about making something and showing it to people. It's putting a part of your soul on display for the world to judge.

Here's what I'm learning about this experience as I'm going through it:

Fuck this
I don't wanna do it anymore
But also this next book is really starting to shape out
I wanna share because I can't keep it to myself
Shit I guess we're doing this.

If you don't find that helpful I don't know what to tell you except it's not meant to be particularly helpful. It's meant to be honest. Like many before me, I'm making this up as I go. 

Last year for Christmas I decided the best gift I could give myself was to get out of my own damn way. Instead of coming up with reasons why I shouldn't chase my dreams I decided to remind myself of my favorite inspirational saying.

You can't reach the stars if you're busy cutting grass.

This isn't to say cutting grass isn't important, it's just not the only important thing. You have to make time to reach your goals. Take the steps as slowly as you want, but take the steps. 

Ultimately, people are seeing me and this is what I wanted. Even if it's not really what I wanted. If you have any suggestions to make it suck less I'm all ears. Or eyes. Comment it please I'm half freaking out here.

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